Reconnecting with the Self

One of  the  most  painful  myths about  abortion  is  the  idea  that it is a self-centered choice.  In reality, it is often a wrenching sacrifice made to satisfy the needs or demands of others. One of the most important connections to be  re-established in the healing process is the connection with the self.    Prior to the pregnancy,  there  may  have  been  many forms of coercion that preceded the pressure to abort.   A habit  of yielding to the desires of others (at the expense one’s  own   needs)  can   produce   a   pattern  of  compromise  and  self-violation.  Healing  after the termination of a pregnancy involves a rediscovery of core emotional needs and the deeper aspirations of the heart. 

Morgan's Story

Morgan lived her whole life trying to please everyone else.  Even as a baby, she seemed to have an instinctive sense of how to placate and appease.  As she grew, she learned to smooth things over between her parents when they fought.  She distracted them with her smiles and her questions, and made them forget their conflicts.

          As she got older, however, their arguments became more heated, and she couldn’t fix things between them anymore.  Instead, she tried to calm her younger brothers when her parents’ disagreements escalated.  She would take them to her room and sing to them when Mom and Dad raised their voices.

          It wasn’t until she finished school that she started to date.  She never had time for a social life or a boyfriend before.  All that changed, however, when she met Eddie.  

Morgan didn’t plan on getting pregnant, but when it happened, she wasn’t unhappy.  She had spent so many years taking care of other people’s children that she was excited about the idea of finally having a child of her own.   And she thought that Eddie would be a great father.  When Eddie found out, however, he was distraught. The idea of sharing Morgan’s attention with someone else made him panic.

Morgan promised him that the baby wouldn’t be a “problem” for him. She was used to working and taking care of other people, and she was sure that she could manage a baby without much help from Eddie. It occurred to her that maybe her mother would help out.  After all, she had assisted her for years, taking care of her little brothers and working to help out with the finances.  Now, her brothers were grown, and her mother had time on her hands.  Morgan thought that she might enjoy having a grandchild to fill the empty hours. 

   Her mother didn’t respond as she had hoped, however.  The look on her face was one of shock and then outrage when Morgan told her the news.  She felt too young to be a grandmother.  And she certainly wasn’t prepared to have a child in the house again. 

            Morgan concluded that, by having a baby now, she would be sabotaging her mother’s second chance at happiness. And she was worried about how Eddie would be affected as well.  She didn’t want to ruin his life by forcing him to be a father before he was ready.  Morgan decided to have an abortion.  No matter how much she wanted to be a mother, she decided that it wasn’t worth hurting the people she loved. 

         Afterwards, she tried to put the pregnancy out of her mind.   She still had Eddie, and she told herself that he was worth the sacrifice.   She tried to convince herself that they were both better off without a baby in their lives.  

        As time went on though, she regretted her decision more and more.  Even without the pressure of a baby, Eddie was overwhelmed by the daily demands of life, and nothing Morgan ever did seemed to be enough.  She cooked his meals and let him drive her car.  She made the payments on the house that he inherited from his mother, and paid for his health insurance.  But Eddie still didn’t want to get married.  He didn’t want to think about the future at all.  And the truth was: he didn’t have to.  He had Morgan.   She took care of everything for him.   

          Morgan, however, began to feel less and less hopeful about the future.  She feared that she would never be a mother.  Sometimes she thought about finding someone else – someone who wanted children as much as she did.  But it was Eddie’s child that she had given up.  And it was Eddie’s child that she still grieved.  She felt that the only way she could reclaim what she had lost was to have Eddie’s child someday.   

         Morgan didn’t really mean to get pregnant again.  In fact, she wasn’t even sure that she could get pregnant because of complications from the abortion.   She took five home pregnancy tests, just to be sure.  

         Eddie was furious when she told him the results.  He knew how much she wanted a baby, and he believed that she had done it on purpose.  Morgan was angry too.  For the first time, she was angry at Eddie for taking no responsibility for anything  and then blaming Morgan when he was unhappy with the outcome.   

       She told Eddie that she was going to have the baby no matter what. But Eddie was more determined than she had ever seen him before.  He told her that she would have to leave “his” house if she did.  

       His ultimatum was a wake-up call for Morgan.  She didn’t expect him to be thrilled, and she knew that without a ring on her finger she didn’t have much security.  But she never thought he would threaten to throw her out of the home that she had paid for – especially when she was pregnant. 

        Morgan didn’t know where to turn. After her mother’s response the last time, she didn’t feel that she could confide in her.  But she didn’t want to stay another night with Eddie. She went to a friend’s apartment for a few days, and then she called her mom. 

          Morgan really wanted to keep her baby, this time, even though she was afraid.  Her anger in the face of Eddie’s opposition had temporarily steeled her determination.  But she still had many doubts.  She worried that she wouldn’t be a good mother and was frightened about her baby’s future.  She wondered how she could bond with the baby she was carrying when she was still grieving over the one she gave up .... 

Morgan reconnected with her mother who was more supportive this time, and confided to Morgan that she'd had an abortion, too.  Her mother had found relief by attending  a Rachel Network Evening of Prayer at a local church  and offered to attend a service with Morgan.   Afterwards, Morgan felt a new sense of strength ... 

She wasn’t exactly sure about what had changed, but something felt very different.  When her mother started to drive her home, Morgan abruptly asked her to turn around.  She called Eddie and told him that she was going to spend the night with her mom.   Eddie was furious – he told her to come home right away.   She hung up the phone quickly to avoid giving in.  

          Her mother was happy to give Morgan her old room back. And Morgan was surprised at how comfortable she felt there.  She didn’t have many happy memories of her life in that house, but her focus wasn’t on the past anymore.  She was thinking about her future, instead, and her old room seemed like the perfect place for her to start her life over again.

          She missed Eddie terribly. But after the Rachel Network Evening of Prayer, she no longer felt that she needed him to maintain a connection with the child they had lost.  She knew that Little Eddie was with God, and that God was with her, and they were all together somehow in His love.  She no longer felt that she would be losing a part of herself if she left Eddie. 

          Eddie called her constantly and begged her to come back.  She told him she would think about it, but she was determined not to go anywhere until after her baby was born.   She needed to take care of herself – and to be taken care of – as she awaited the arrival of her new son.  Her mother was there for her in a way that no one ever had been before.  As hard as it was for Morgan to be in the role of receiving help rather than giving it, she was determined to get whatever she needed to bring her pregnancy to a happy conclusion. 

           Day by day, Morgan learned more about herself and discovered her own strengths.  By the time the baby was born, she felt excited about the challenges that lay ahead, and she believed that she had the ability to be a good mother.  She named her son Gavin, after her grandfather, because he was the strongest man she had ever known.  She wanted her son to grow up feeling the sense of strength that it had taken her so long to find. 

           Eddie, however, wasn’t feeling so strong.  Without Morgan, his life seemed to be falling apart.  Morgan felt sorry for him, but she wasn’t willing to live with Eddie on their old terms.  Until Eddie was ready to be married and have a family, she decided to stay right where she was. 

            Eddie began to realize that he was going to have to start taking some responsibility if he wanted Morgan in his life.  He got a regular job, so that he could pay his child support, and began going to church with Morgan on Sundays. 

            By reconnecting with herself, Morgan was able to become the mother that she had always wanted to be.   And though she realizes that Eddie may never become the father that she wanted for her son, he is slowly learning to take responsibility for himself and for Gavin.  Morgan had never been able to change Eddie by catering to his demands.  But by demanding respect for herself, she motivated him to grow up.  Now, she is determined to continue to grow in her relationship with her baby, with God and with herself. 

(You can find out more about Rachel Network and read stories like Morgan's in The Four Steps to Healing.)